I'm not worth your tears
by Rileyanna
Summary: Oneshot! He never meant to feel this way, but when something so tragic happens, he cannot hide it anymore. She was his reason to smile, and now she's gone. Rated T for serious themes, character death, triggering stuff (you are warned)


**Hello everybody, and welcome to my first Naruto fic/oneshot! Hurray! (No flames please!)So it's a bit dark themed and sad so don't expect any humor**

**Also: WARNING! this fic may contain some triggering stuff. If you are sensitive to that, I suggest you do not read... sorry**

**disclaimer: *checks pockets* nope. So I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Black, black, black. Everywhere he looked, black. Black suits, black dresses, black shoes, black expressions. The black of his surroundings seemed to consume him, drag him into the sad abyss of loneliness once again. He hadn't seen this coming, he had never expected this. Not now, not this way. She was supposed to dance, smile, laugh, beat the crap out of her brother, not this. She wasn't supposed to lie so still, unmoving.

He had been in at home when he heard the news. It had taken him a full hour to realize what the hokage had told him. He didn't want to believe it, someone was pulling some sick joke on him. The sad look on Tsunade's face was what convinced him in the end. That moment was what he would describe as the worst and disorienting moment of his life. The floor seemed to fall away beneath his feet and the room seemed to fade into a pool of confusing colors.

She was so still. Her eyes closed and her normally dirty hair tied back into four ponytails was neatly combed and framed her delicate face. Her skin flawless and he had never seen her so beautiful, which was quite a saddening thought. A white, short sleeved dress covered her slim body and her muscular arms were clearly visible to him. Her whole arms were covered in thick and thin, long and short, deep and shallow red lines: cuts.

Seeing her like this made him think of the time they had spent together, the relationship they had. She was a strong, fiery girl from Suna with a temper and not a lot of patience. He was a lazy but a genius boy from Konoha with a lot of patience. The first time they met, she tried to hammer his face with a huge fan and he tried to bind her with his shadows. And later they were supposed to work together to organize the upcoming Chuunin exams. Though it seemed impossible, they got close. You could actually say that they were good friends. Almost best friends. He didn't know what the girl felt about him, but he began to fall for her. Her pigtails defying gravity and her blunt appearance and personality overall fascinated him. He didn't know why but he always smiled when he was in her presence.

There was one thing that he knew about her that nobody else knew: she loved singing. He had caught her once, singing while they were on a mission together and she was walking on ahead of him. He heard her sing softly and it was beautiful. Though her low voice couldn't reach the high notes, her voice had the right waver at the right moment and there was no sound out of tune. One time, she took him to a karaoke bar and sang his favorite song for him, he remembered it clearly: Do You Remember by Phil Collins. He still remembered the baggy jeans she was wearing and the white tank top.

Guilt claimed his soul as he took a last look at the body of the girl he had loved before her brothers closed the coffin. He should have done something. He should have been there to tell her not to go through with it. He, of all people, had known what was going on and he hadn't stopped her. He should have told her brothers or anyone. He shouldn't have let her go through this alone.

_He opened the door to the bathroom to take a shower. Never had he expected to find his crush there with a shocked expression on her face. His eyes traveled from her face to her hands with which she was holding a kunai. It took a moment before realization hit him and he knew what she was doing. He wanted to grab her arm, despite of the fact that he would get his hands dirty with the blood that was dripping off her arms. He didn't get the chance though. She started screaming and the kunai she was holding now flew through the sky towards his face. He managed to evade it and keep walking towards the girl. She stepped backwards in an attempt to escape his hands that were pulling her into a warm embrace. She struggled for a few seconds but then she dropped her arms and started to cry into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" "How long has this been going on?" "Three years now." "Show me your arms." She let go of him and raised her arms to show him the countless scars and multiple open wounds. He took a wet piece of cloth and started to wipe away the blood and clean the cuts. "Why do you do this?" "It's relieving. The pain is the only thing I can hold on to in my mind. Sometimes it is such a chaos in my head that all my thoughts just turn into a black blur and the pain gives me one clear thought. I also deserve the pain. I have been nothing but a nuisance to you and my brother. To my other brother, I have barely been a sister at all. I should have been at a lot of places and I wasn't there. No wonder I got bullied. I disappoint people, I make them angry or sad and it hurts so much. Emotionally. So much. The physical pain of the cutting relieves me of my emotional pain." He looked her in the eyes. How could such a beautiful face contain so much sadness and hate for herself. "Lately I have been taking the most dangerous mission and I catch myself hoping I don't survive. Honestly, a big part of me wants to die. I mean, what kind of difference do I make? I have no future, and no one would cry over me anyway. I'm not worth any tears." _

He should have captured her lips with his own there and then.

The ceremony was over and the graveyard was empty except for him. He hadn't been able to tear his gaze from the white tombstone surrounded by different kind of cacti and desert flowers. She would have thought it was beautiful. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find her brother standing in front of him. His face was hard to read. His ever blank expression had not wavered through the whole ceremony. "How are you feeling?" her brother asked. The boy shrugged and averted his eyes. For a second, he couldn't bare to look into her brother's eyes. Their colour was just too similar. "I'm hurting," was all he was able to say. Her brother put a hand on his shoulder "We all are, but I guess you and I are a special case. I was her brother by blood but I cannot say I have ever been a brother by soul. I was too busy with my addiction to killing and my responsibilities as Kazekage. She was always there to support me but I've never been there for her. The brother she missed, she found him in you. But she loved you more than just as a brother. You were something to her Kankurou and I were never able to be. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when she needed it. I blame myself, but I think I'm not the only one, seeing your face. But it's too late now. We can only hope she is happy now. Here. She left this behind for you," her brother handed him a piece of paper, and walked towards the tombstone and placed an item in front of it. When he walked away and left the cemetery he could see what it was. It was her fan. The bloody thing that had almost crushed his head multiple times when she had scolded him for being late, lazy or not listening to her rantings about her duties as liason bettween their two villages. He couldn't help but smile at the memory of her cheeky grin whenever he called her out for the troublesome woman she was. He turned back and opened the folded piece of paper. For a few seconds he just stared at her messy handwriting realising this was written with her own hand before he started to read.

_Dear Shikamaru,_

_If you read this, I am six feet under and I regret it that I won't get to see your face right now. I just wanted you to know that you were so important to me. More than I dared to admit anyway. Even though I tried to kill you more than once, you grew into someone very special. I just like you very much. Damn, I think I could even say that I love you. Oh, dammit, you know I'm no good with words! Anyway, I'm in a better place now and please don't blame yourself for anything. You couldn't have been here and even if you were I would have gone through with it. I just think you should know that I don't regret anything. Okay, maybe the cutting, but that is in the past now. _

_And please don't cry my little Crybaby. I'm not worth those tears of yours._

_I love you_

He brought his hands up and touched his cheek with his fingertips to find tears had already started to run down his face. He had promised himself not to cry while everyone was still there. Now that he was alone, he finally allowed himself to collapse and he sunk to the ground on his knees and buried his face in his hands. He had failed. He had failed to again protect the one he valued the most. He thought his pain was over when he finally got over the death of his beloved teacher and friend. He got his revenge on the man who killed him. This time, he could not have his revenge on anybody. She was not killed. She had chosen her own end.

He sat in the same position for an hour, crying. When he finally felt that he had no tears left, he stood up and decided to walk away. He would return another time, when the memory of the girl who lay here brought a smile to his face, and not those damn tears. When he would come here, he would want to remember the times she smiled, when she hugged him, when she laughed, when she would smirk while playfully torturing her brother.

* * *

Two years later, he entered the graveyard again and went straight ahead. When he halted, he faced a sight that made him smile. The flowers were fresh and her fan was clean. Like she was buried yesterday. Her brother had told him he had gone there every day and brought a new cactus sometimes. She had never liked colorful flowers anyway. She liked cacti more because of their simplicity and because of the fact that they were dangerous plants for their thorns and sometimes toxic juice. He sighed inwardly, she was a complicated, troublesome creature. She was even scarier than his own mother. He never planned to fall in love with a kunoichi, but then again, life never seemed to comply with his desires.

He sat down and just looked at the tombstone and he finally found it in his heart to truly read the text on it.

_Sabaku no Temari_

_Beloved sister and friend_

"_Save up those damn tears of yours,_

_I'm sure there is someone more worth of them."_

Yes, he would live his whole life missing her.

* * *

He opened his eyes to only quickly close them again. The bright light hurt. The last thing he remembered was the cold forest floor by night. When his eyes got used to the white light, he sat up and looked around. He was in the middle of a field, full of daisies. The field slowly became a forest and the chirping of birds was everywhere. It was so warm and bright, yet he found there was no sun when he looked up. His eyes suddenly fell on a figure under a tree, enjoying the shadow. He felt tears springing to his eyes when he saw her trademark pigtails. This could not be true. He had not seen her in 17 years. The figure lifted her head. He fell to his knees, pressing his hand to his mouth to not let out his screams as the tears streamed over his cheeks and fell to the soft grass. He could not think, he could only see her tombstone. He felt a hand on his cheek, gently rubbing away the tears and he raised his bloodshot eyes to find hers. She was paler, but that didn't change that she was still beautiful as the day he last saw her. He didn't say anything, neither did she, he just took her hand and looked at her arm. Where there were scars in life, there was clean skin in death. He kissed her wrist softly while she just smiled. It was then, when he hears her husky voice. "I regret it now, you know. I should have given it a chance. I'm so sorry I left you all alone." She didn't cry, she just stared at him sadly. "Smile. I'm here now, and I'm not alone. The ones I left behind can manage themselfes just fine. You know, Gaara gained eveyone's love and respect as kazekage and Kankurou's reputation goes even further than Sasori's. You should be proud," he told her. Her sad gaze dissappeared and got replaced by her grin. "I told you they would make it far. Maybe we haven't but I couldn't be more happy than I am at this moment." He cupped her face with his hands. "That's the only thing I ever wanted to hear from you," and he pressed his lips on her forehead. They had forever.

* * *

**Riley: *wipes away a tear* That was sooooo sad!**

**Temari: o.0 Wait.. You made me commit suicide?**

**Shikamaru: You portrayed me as some kind of emotional unstable boy.**

**Riley: Which you are.**

**Shikamaru: And in the end, you killed me off as well? You are such a sadistic bastard!**

**Temari: *slaps Riley with fish* What the hell dude!**

**Riley: Shut up Temmie. (Temari: Temmie...? *twitch*) There are people in this world who really don't see the purpose of this life anymore and decide to end their lives. This is a serious subject and people don't deserve anything like that. People deserve much better. Everyone deserves to be happy and live their life to the fullest. There are people who are severely depressed, cut themselves and want to die. All they need is a friend. So this is me calling out to all of you. LIFE WILL GET BETTER!**

**The only thing people sometimes need is someone to talk to. So hereby, You can always talk to me. Sometimes it is nice to talk to someone anonymously because they won't judge. If you want to talk, you can talk to me, know that! I'll be there.**

**Review!**

**Xx Riley**


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